For many years I would drive everywhere with the world’s biggest bastard bully you will ever meet giving me serious toxic earache.
He wasn’t just plain nasty…no he was fucking nasty…and would use every opportunity to attack me with criticism and caustic remarks…nothing I could do would every pacify or placate him…he talked down to me…he ridiculed me and spent hours lambasting me with negativities…he would make a good day turn bad very quickly…he would bring up things from the past that I would have preferred to have forgotten…yes he was a prize bastard…with a capital ‘B…but the worst thing about his relentless bullying is that I believed him and developed some ridiculous and crazy beliefs and behaviours, that were so far removed from the person I wanted to be…ultimately had I not have kicked the bastard out of my car…and out of my life, he would have screwed me both psychologically and physically, BIG time.
Today bullying has become a massive problem in education and the workplace and I have every sympathy for anyone who is being targeted by any brain-dead fuckwit who think it’s big or clever to bully another human being. It is not big, it is not clever, but for the recipient the effects can be devastating…and truly life threatening.
A few years back I started to write a book about the complexities of the human mind; a task that I found really tough…no seriously, REALLY tough. I had spent much of my adult life listening to my BIG bastard bully telling me that I was dyslexic, stupid and thereby totally incapable of book writing…whenever I thought about doing something academically creative the BIG bastard bully would make the thought seem so ridiculous that inevitable I gave in to his toxic views.
So in the case of my book, night after night, while trying to form sentences and then chapters, the voice of my BIG bastard bully in my head attacked me relentlessly and when I finally gave up, do you know what the BIG bastard bully did? He had the fucking cheek to criticise me incessantly for failing…he is not a nice guy.
So a few months after I’d destroyed the original book draft I had a meeting with one of my clients in Norwich and he wasn’t in a good place…not Norwich…Norwich is a good place…I mean his mind.
Apparently, his father had recently died and he was not only struggling with the loss but also the reaction of his 15 year old daughter towards him. She and her grandfather had been very close so he understood she was grieving but he could not understand why his father’s death was causing a rift between them and admitted finding it increasingly difficult to talk to her without getting angry.
As he softened, he then went on to explain that she’d had a tough 18 months with 3 of her social group independently committing suicide…OMG…O…M…G!
I know that this is a really sensitive subject but it is also bloody real, so I couldn’t just ignore the fact that 3 wonderful young children had decided that death was a better option than living. To be in such a dark place that all the amazing defences ‘nature’ has built into the human mind to ensure our survival, are somehow over-ridden, just shows the devastating consequences that can result when the subconscious goes completely out of kilter and the BIG bastard bully takes over.
This whole terrible series of events triggered me into action…and with incredible determination I set about rewriting the book.
Because the same BIG bastard bully that was trying to destroy me was successfully achieving that aim with others so I could no longer allow its caustic comments to stop me from sharing what I had learned during my research.
Look I am not a skilled writer; I have no ‘delusions of grandeur’ here… never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would publish a book, especially one that is principally about the human mind…football yes maybe…but human mind “Jesus are you kidding?” But what I did have was information about the BIG bastard bully that every human should be aware of because once we understand how it works, and its power, then we can ALL start taking positive steps to neutralise THAT power.
Every negative opinion that I formed about myself came from the BIG bastard bully. Yes, I accept that comments from others created the catalyst to start the crazy and ridiculous negative feelings I formed about myself but the BIG bastard bully within my subconscious was 100% responsible for taking hold of those negativities and reminding me incessantly of my failings and mistakes when all I wanted to do was forget them. But by design the BIG bastard bully forgets nothing and is ultimately responsible for the terrible life-threatening struggles that many of us are having to deal with.
Just look at the facts; in the UK stress-related illnesses have never been so high and the suicide rate amongst men is at a terrifying level.
I find myself thinking if the BIG bastard bully had actually been another person continually berated me during our car journeys from A to B how long would I put up with it before kicking his arse out of the vehicle?
Yep…too bloody right…one trip…if he was lucky.
But the BIG bastard bully wasn’t just a passenger in my car…Oh no…he lived with me 24/7…we went everywhere together…hours and hours of lonely driving with nothing to take my mind off his incessant negative banter…and then at night when the world was asleep he would have a field day KEEPING ME AWAKE…BASTARD!!!