• %name fight

How am I ever supposed to take flight?

How am I ever supposed to take flight, when all my head tells me to do is fight?

To have yourself broken down and re moulded into that of a fighter is a dangerous prospect, especially if something happens that makes the fight instinct stick.

Your mental gearbox stuck in that one mode, pushing for danger and anger, blinding yourself in rage unable to see past the red wall you’ve built, no I’m not talking about President Trump when it comes to wall building, just the fact that I myself and I’m pretty sure many others, have in fact built walls (or tried to build walls) to keep others out.

Now these others, may be friends, families or work colleagues, however sometimes you just want to be sat in your own little box, the little place you can get away from it all.

Call it flight mode, get yourself out get away from it and try to calm yourself.

However, every time I try to build my wall, the big green monster comes smashing it down and that rage comes back, the pump of adrenaline, that feeling as it’s coursing through every blood vessel in your body, egging you on all of a sudden you’ve got a demon on each shoulder and the angel is nowhere to be seen.

Pretty dangerous prospect right?

To have all this going on and essentially and unwillingly be but in a position where you may need to play God.

Decide on who’s going first: you or them, kill or be killed.

Scary idea indeed, which I guess is why they’re sending me on my way, due to my “issues” that they have now accepted liability for.

But hey.. Who gives a fuck?

Not them obviously because to them I’m just a number, a number soon to be erased from the books, in approximately a few months I’ll be a “free man” again, able to make my own decisions, or so you’d think.

Let me tell you about a little place called sCUNThorpe, shithole if I’m honest, never liked the place, probably never will.

A breeding ground for Jeremy Kyle projects and petty crime.

However it’s not just petty crime anymore, it’s a beast that’s growing every day, every day you hear of a burglary or there’s some idiot on the loose with a knife, there’s no nice stories coming out of there. I left it for a reason.

Now it’s like I’m being forced to go back.

It’s my wife’s hometown, not mine in front of the slightly less scummy Doncaster down the road, but she wants to move back there, fuck knows why.

But it’s sending the green monster in my head on a war path. Literally our conversations every day are:

Me: Get fucked I’m not going back there.

Her: that’s where I want to settle you’re a joke.

To add to my everlasting list of issues I can’t be arsed with a divorce on my plate. But I think that’s what it’s coming to. Do I do it?

Leave to save my sanity, or constantly be pressured into stuff I don’t want to do in places I hate?

Answers welcomed.

By |2018-03-17T11:19:56+00:00March 17th, 2018|Guest Writer, Main Feature|1 Comment

One Comment

  1. Richard Crisp 17th March 2018 at 7:10 pm - Reply

    Great post thanks…look we have all been down different routes to get where we are, but ultimately our flight or fight struggles are just the same. I am certainly a fleer, I don’t mind admitting it…first sign of shit and I wanted to leg it big time…but of course like most of us you get trapped by the system…so whilst our ancestors would have found it easy, TIGER…fuck I’m off…modern man doesn’t have such luxuries…as I said in a recent blog you can’t smack the boss when you have a disagreement or indeed head for the hills, because we have responsibilities…mortgages to pay. So we become trapped and its this trap that screws us up!!! Flight or fight demands that we do one or the other…doing nothing was never an option.

    A few years back I had a massive disagreement with a colleague who was to become my boss. With a huge mortgage I simply had to take his shit and not react…and boy as a consequence did I struggle both psychologically and physically. Then one day while working in my garden i called time on the dreadful feelings I had about him…I knew it was a battle I could never win so I had to change…and change I did. I immediately reviewed all aspects of my life that were causing me on going problems and put great big lines through them…it was like saying “OK you win I don’t care enough to continue to fight”…and it began to work so I just continued to adopt this policy with everything in my life”…and gradually, very gradually the battles in my head started to subside…and so I have continued to use this policy to map out my life.

    The one thing I have learned over the last 10 years is you can’t change others you can only change yourself. It is impossible so don’t use any energy up trying.

    What I would advocate is for you to find some space and consider these two options…this is about taking control and neutralising the crazy things that are currently swimming around in your head.

    1. If I agree to the move back to Scunthorpe can I put lines through all the things that currently I find impossible to accept
    2. If I can’t accept a move back to Scunthorpe can I accept the consequences of that decision

    The key is which one is likely to give you the best outcome, because ultimately its your future happiness that matters here.

    Just a thought…what about a compromise…ain’t there any places near enough to Scunthorpe that could work for you both?.

    I wish you well

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