So you think you know your own mind … well think again buster.
The whole purpose behind MANSTRESS is to provide you with answers and easy solutions to help you deal positively with your own individual internal psychological struggles and thereby improve the quality of your life…and the lives of those around you…THAT IS OUR ULTIMATE AND ONLY GOAL.
Before you start reading the following story, it is important that you try to focus on THAT feeling. You know THAT feeling in the depth of your gut that for no apparent reason decides at will, to fuck your day right up.
In Paul’s recent blog he likens THAT feeling when experiencing an anxiety attack, to the churning of a ‘washing-machine’: which I think is a wonderful description of THAT feeling…and one that I shall now be adopting.
The reason why it is important that you focus on THAT feeling is so that you can begin to understand just how sensitive your subconscious has become to comment, regardless of how well meaning that comment might be. Look, one of our first tasks is to find simple ways for you to understand just how your amazing subconscious is so finely tuned that at times and for no apparent reason it can misinterpret non- toxic information causing you to have a complete psychological breakdown…and another shit day at the office.
So don’t be surprised if you start feeling those uncomfortable rumbles as you go through the chapters because one thing’s for sure…the subconscious doesn’t like being rumbled.
Believe it or not every gut-wrenching feeling that your subconscious triggers is designed to protect you…Bollocks I hear you cry!!… O.K. you might not get this ‘protect…not harm us’ stuff but hear me out before you dismiss this totally.
The best way I can explain it is as follows. Because of a quirk of nature when designing the human animal, we have a prehistoric computer mechanism trying hard…in fact bloody hard…to protect us against the CRAZY demands of the modern world…and it is seriously struggling big time. (Why? We will discuss the ‘why’ bit further in a later chapter). Well that’s my simple take on things, but with 21st century man battling to deal with the ‘washing-machine syndrome’ at an increasingly alarming rate, I don’t think my take is that far off.
The Christmas festival.
It was a pretty good warm up night for a Friday, with a few mates and the following morning he woke with a really positive feeling in his gut. He gets up with a surprisingly clear head, visits the bathroom, and then pulls back the curtains allowing the morning sunshine reflecting off the river to stream into his apartment.
It was the start of a beautiful cloudless winter’s day.
On entering the kitchen he instinctively fills the kettle and places some bread into the toaster. Coffee and toast with some of that delicious home-make jam that his mum had dropped into work a few days earlier would provide the perfect breakfast for this festival weekend…a time when traditionally the whole town seemed to descend on the market square and collectively start celebrating the countdown to Christmas…and with the pubs and clubs being open until late, he and his mates had planned, as they did in previous years, to take full advantage of the occasion. It would certainly be a late one that’s for sure and even more certain with Steff and the other girls out that he wouldn’t be eating alone on Sunday morning. He smiled at the thought.
At 32 he had everything. When his grandfather died he was left some money which he’d used as a deposit for his river-side home…it seemed expensive at the time but with property prices spiralling it proved to be an excellent investment especially as with some serious hard grafting he had been able to pay the mortgage off; which he somehow knew would please his grandfather.
From the day he was born his destiny was to take over the family scaffolding business. It wasn’t an easy journey, by design his father and grandfather made it as tough as possible for him…to test his metal. He passed on all fronts. He was a natural athlete so relished the hard work and whilst, in the early days, the blokes took the piss out of the young up-start, he survived their banter and antics and ultimately gained their respect. “Respect is the one essential commodity you will need if you want to run a successful business” his grandfather had consistently impressed upon him as a youngster. It was advice he would never forget.
It was around 10.30 when he left his apartment…It was cold but bright so the walk would do him good and with only a few shopping days left to the big day the car-parks, he reasoned, would be heaving…and so would the town…he was right on both counts but having left it to the last minute, like in all previous years, he would have to suffer the queues for some last minute token gifts that would be received with gratitude and then discarded to the local charity shop as soon as the decorations came down. He didn’t mind, after all, it was the thought that counts…
On entering the High Street he was momentarily overcome by the festive decorations and the sound of the carol singers and for a few seconds he was transported back to the time, the very first time, when as a youngster his parents had introduced him to the colour and sound of the Christmas festival. It was a magical time and one that throughout his life he would remember fondly.
The walk through the bustling crowd was slow, he knew lots of people and it seemed everyone had a tale they wanted to share. As he gradually weaved through the Christmas shoppers he noticed that the street traders were extremely busy…and even a couple of resident buskers dressed appropriately…were being duly rewarded for their efforts. Everyone seemed happy.
As he neared his target, that all too familiar smell filled his nostrils and once again the happy memories of his childhood returned. Every year the same old street trader would return to the same spot and every year he would hand over a few coins in return for a bag full of piping hot chestnuts…it was a family tradition and one that he really enjoyed.
Having exchanged a few friendly words with the trader, clutching the bag he turned and instantly froze. It was as if a bolt of lightning had struck his inner core. “Annie!” Through the crowd he had only got a glimpse of her, but it was her; yes her hair was shorter but that smile, he would never forget that smile, it was definitely her. For a moment he lost sight of her as he tried to part the crowd but then Annie and her man-friend were suddenly right there in front of him; holding hands as they walked away…and there he stood as a tidal-wave of horrendous pain washed through his body…those same gut-wrenching gnawing pain that he had felt 8 years ago when Annie walked out of his life.
Everyone had said that they were made for each other. But with Annie desperate to travel and he being ‘tied to the firm’, it was with much reluctance he accepted her argument about the short-term contract she had signed to work on a cruise liner. Ultimately, she never came back and he was devastated but as the old saying goes ‘time is a great healer’ and gradually, very gradually, he managed to push Annie to the back of his mind and move on. He learned sometime later that she was engaged to an Australian and somehow that allowed him final closure…that was until now.
His head was in a completely different place as he walked back to his apartment…everything seemed that much darker and whilst he would meet up with the lads for the planned early evening Italian; then knock back a few bevvies in various pubs before hitting one of the night spots where Steff and the girls would be, somehow he knew with his emotions now all over the place that he was in for a real tough time…and like before he would weather the pain in silence; pain that would only stop once Annie’s past was again securely locked away into the dark reaches of his mind….’time’ would have to do its job once again…THE END
This simple story is based on many that I heard during my research into the power of the subconscious mind. Once you understand this every crazy feeling that you currently have; every crazy feelings that rational you would never choose to have, are being triggered by internal reference files within your subconscious that do not support the man you have become, then things will begin to make sense.
We will revisit this story in the next chapter.
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