The tale of Dirk, Fritz and the soiled pants.

So who is Dirk?

Well the story goes like this…a tough gunslinger crashes into a salon and everyone, except the pianist, stops what they are doing and stares…not liking that he is being ignored the gunslinger draws his gun, everyone ducks, and he shoots 2 candles sitting on top of the piano…the pianist just keeps on playing…walking up to the bar the gunslinger says “’tender get me a slug of whiskey” which he knocks back in one.

Ggive me another whiskey; pretty darn good shooting there ‘tender aye”…

”Very impressive stranger” says the tender “but can I suggest that you remove the sights from the end of the gun barrel

”why the hell would I want to do that ‘tender,” asks the gunslinger.

“Because stranger” says the ‘tender “when Dirk finishes playing the piano, he is going to come over here and shove your gun right up your arse!”

I’ve always loved the absurdity of this story but if you dissect it you realise just how removed from reality it is.


Well think about it…if a gunslinger walked into your local and started spraying bullets about the place a number of well-versed things are going to happen…and ducking isn’t one of them…but pooing one’s pants is certainly on the cards…you see when our flight and fight receptors are triggered by a life threatening situation nature deemed that emptying one’s bowels, to lighten one’s load is a given…so next time it happens, whilst it might be decidedly unpleasant; tell your hosts, boss or girlfriend it’s all perfectly normal.

So after a MANSTRESS meeting with Stuart in Norwich, I had to drive to an appointment near Chelmsford…with so much positive stuff going on in my head my subconscious simply took control of the 2 hour drive and without any mishaps got me close to my destination…having driven off the A12, I temporarily became confused by the road lay-out as my conscious cut in.

Then I  noticed signs indicating that there was a Park and Ride coming up…and a set of traffic lights in front of me were there to allow drivers to cross the opposite lane to enter the ‘Park’… I was in the ‘park’ lane, so checking my mirror I moved into the inside lane…when I got to the traffic lights I was still so focused on the Park and Ride lane, and seeing that the lights were red I stopped…I had only pulled up for a few seconds when the car driver behind gave me a BLAST, not a friendly toot, a real get your arse into gear mate BLAST…momentarily I couldn’t work out what was happening but then noticed that the light for my lane was green…and I hadn’t needed to stop…but before I had time to move on,  Mr Impatient  gave me an even longer and seriously more aggressively BLAST on his horn…

Now he was bloody lucky it was me and not my mate Colin driving…because Colin would have jumped out of the car and shoved the horn right up Mr Impatient’s arse…Dirk style….seriously…for my part, temporarily with my flight and fight receptors being stimulated, I did what all level headed self-respecting 60+ grandfathers do…ignored it?…bollocks no, I wound my window down and gave  the full archers’ salute…which obviously did the trick because Captain Horn-blower held back as I drove away…with a massive smile of satisfaction on my face.

Dirk’s and the horn blower’s stories provide a really good illustration of the power of the subconscious and one which we will continually revisit in future blogs because this issue is so important.

You see most of us haven’t a clue how our minds work so judging others is virtually impossible leaving us to accept people at face value. In a world of 7 billion plus humans that is the only way it can possibly work, and in general I like to assume that most people are decent…so I reasoned the horn-blower either had a shed load of negative issues floating around in his head and was simply having a bad morning.

Or he was a complete wanker with a horn-blowing fetish…either way it worked for him because he got away with an action that had I been a less tolerant driver with an extremely deep rooted aggressive opinion of  horn-blowers then the outcome would have been very different…and by applying Dirk’s method of retribution, he would now have a serious problem sitting down without his arse honking.

Time and time again through MANSTRESS we will talk about our own individual scripts…a term I was introduced to by one of the most amazing people I have ever met…Richard Wilkins, the self-proclaimed minister of inspiration; a man who lost £millions when his land and property portfolio disintegrated during the recession in the mid 1990’s but battled back against a tidal wave of negative internal messages about himself, that nearly took his life, to become a universally renowned motivational speaker. Richard more recently became the creator of Broadband Consciousness a simple and easy to follow process for neutralising those toxic programmes…scripts…filed in our subconscious that are responsible for triggering crazy everyday reactions and behaviours that can result in a serious Dirk moment.

A few years ago I was stuck in heavy traffic on the M25, south of the Dartford crossing when I noticed an idiot in a high value sportscar aggressively forcing his way through the slow-moving lanes with total disregard for anyone. He was acting dangerously and totally disrespectfully but as I watched I thought that he might have gotten his comeuppance, when he cut up a juggernaut with foreign plates. Fritz having to take evasive action, rightly gave this maniac a BLAST on his horn but probably hadn’t expected what was to ensue.

The car driver slammed on his brakes, and jumped out of his car ready to confront Fritz who had already started to dismount from his cab ready to remonstrate with this crazy English man. But luckily for Fritz he took a second glance at his potential quarry before hitting planet earth because heading towards him at speed was a monster of a man; I mean your real modern-day Sabre Tooth Tiger; well sensing the threat Fritz’s flight and fight receptors were instantly triggered, and before he could utter that famous Germanic phase “bloody hell I’ve just shit my lederhosen’s” in a flash he was back inside his fully locked down cab…watching in horror as Neanderthal man launched himself at the door and tried to gain access by pulling it away from the chassis and praying above all else that German engineering was indeed what it was cracked up to be and the barrier between him and this crazed gorilla would remain firmly blocked.

Well, as it happened, the road in front began to clear and with other truck drivers blocking the maniac’s car in,  Fritz slammed his vehicle into gear and drove off with his ‘ tackle’ still in place… but his soiled ‘leathers’ smelling extremely whiffy and feeling decidedly uncomfortable I wager…but thanks to his subconscious he had survived to tell the story.

Whilst the lederhosen piece might be a slight exaggeration of the events the rest is exactly as it happened…so be warned there are more Dirks out there then you might think…keep on trucking…safely.

Any stories on how your subconscious has saved you – or has inadvertently caused you trouble – would be gratefully received.

By |2017-11-28T18:52:21+00:00November 13th, 2017|The Tribe|0 Comments

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