Over the last 10 years I have found myself battling this inner war, something that I am not great at putting into words…
Sure ‘go and see your GP’ is the first port of call, but how can you sit there and explain everything within 5 minutes… you can’t… but that’s a whole rant in itself.
I have found that I describe my depression as a dark stray dog. Which sounds odd, but bear with me on this…
So, like a stray dog, it comes and goes. It rummages through your back garden, hides in the bushes, runs rings around you but then it disappears.
I can go weeks where it doesn’t come around, but in a strange way I miss it.
BUT, what if you accept this dog, and it becomes your best friend… can that be bad?
This is where I’m at currently.
I feel like I’m coming to the realisation that maybe these dark patches, are just part of my DNA.
Do I accept them, or do I hide from them? OR do I embrace them.
I feel like the dark thoughts are built through fear, fear of loss, fear of humiliation, fear of that meeting could have gone better, fear of I could have done this, or I could have done that…
The more I evaluate things, the more I understand these fears. BUT it doesn’t change that feeling… that feeling that no matter how many people you have around you, you can still feel lonely.
That feeling that no matter how many counselling sessions you have, it doesn’t change your thoughts. That feeling that no matter how many people know what you’re going through, it doesn’t stop the embarrassment.
They say a dog can be a man’s best friend.
This is where the dog comes in.
During them moments, a dog doesn’t care, it still wags its tail, it still runs like it’s the last day on earth… so that happiness of that dog can sometimes help pull you out of that dark place.
The dog doesn’t judge, the dog doesn’t have an opinion, the dog will listen but won’t tell you you’re wrong…
So, the dark dog is not always the depression itself, but to me, it’s a representation of that dark place I go… and that no matter how dark it is, I always pull myself out of it.
That dark dog, she is called Lilo and is a 10-year-old Jack Russell.