My mum used to say that foul language was a sign of ignorance. I loved my mum and would never had used foul language in front of her, but with millions of people struggling and many not making it into adulthood, sorry mum, this story, warts and all has got to be told.
On Thursday Mrs C was returning for Florida on the early flight into Gatwick.
Originally the plan was for her to get a train back to Norfolk and I would pick her up from the station. However on Wednesday I thought, sod it, I will drive down and surprise her…that’s true love you will agree…anyway to beat the traffic I left home at 03.00 and sure enough sailed through to the point I was entering the south terminal at 05.10 with only one thought…”COFFEE! I NEED A COFFEE!!”
So armed with a cup of Costa’s best (that’s what their sign said), plonking myself down on a table adjacent to the arrivals exit, I opened my laptop ready to do some work while awaiting Mrs C’s arrival which the large board informed me would be around 06.45…OK it didn’t announce Mrs C’s arrival by name, but you get my drift.
I was halfway through writing one of 3 audits when my laptop died…bastard!!!…I’d forgotten to charge it. But as it happened no worries because WH Smith’s sell chargers and there was one just along from where I was sitting. As I walked into Smith’s passing the book section…WHOA… “The subtle art of not giving a fuck” came right out there at me… “I gotta buy that book!!”
Returning to my seat, £28 lighter (charger and book), I started to read Mark Manson’s “Counterintuitive Approach to living a Good Life” and became so engrossed by his witty, thought-provoking views that I failed to see Mrs C come out of ‘arrivals’ and head for the station…indeed and it was only by chance that I called her at 07.25, when she hadn’t appeared, that I learned she was about to board the Gatwick express to St Pancras…and that is when I used 2 of my 5 a day, fucks, up!! This is going to be harder than I thought I mused.
Why 5??… and what the hell am I talking about??
In the first few pages Mark explains that ALL humans have flaws and limitations but it is our inability to accept that we are not perfect that is causing us the physical and psychological issues plaguing the modern world. Put simply we have too many fucks (stresses) in our lives…nature only intended one “TIGER!”… “FUCK!”…”RUN!” but during our evolutionary journey we are ALL adding more and more ‘tigers’ so by 7.20 May 186h 2018, most of us will have accumulated a ‘shed load’ of felines with a bad attitude equating to a bag full of toxic fucks.
I didn’t have a clue at the time, but 10 years ago my bag was clearly full to the brim and had I not call time on things and started to de-fuck I have little doubt that the weight of such negativities would have continued to grow and ultimately destroyed…if not killed me. This is serious stuff folks.
Unbeknown to me I was actually following Mark’s advice because the more fucks I discarded the more liberated I became. But sitting in Gatwick airport at 7.21 having used up two valuable expletives I realised that there was still work to be done.
So I started to reflect and came up with the following issues that I have now decided I won’t give a fuck about. This is work in progress but it’s a start.
- I am not a particularly good driver, because I spend my time thinking about anything but driving, so if I cut someone up, which I did on the way to Gatwick (SORRY!!), I no longer will give a fuck if they give me an aggressive honk or the finger. (They are right but then they have to consider whether my action is worth them giving a fuck.)
- I don’t support the best football team in the world and the England team at best are ordinary so why get into meaningless arguments with others who support an equally shit club or national team. Fuck it I can now enjoy the world cup…and championship football AGAIN next year!!
- I haven’t a clue whether Brexit will change my life for the good but then neither do the politicians, statisticians or humpty fucking dumpty. The truth is no one has the slightest idea what is going to happen to this crazy world next week, yet alone 5 or 10 years on, so I have decided that from today, fuck it, what will be will be.
- I am not clever in fact depending on who I am speaking to I could be deemed to be pretty thick. So why give a fuck because they are probably right. All I want is to be happy so fuck worrying about others opinions.
- I am human and subject to making mistakes…in fact, fuck to being perfect because imperfection allows me so much more latitude to enjoy my life. Imagine the pressure of trying to be perfect all of the time and thereby the amount of fucks you would have to deal with when you fail. Life is a balance of positives and negatives and you need to experience both to appreciate the other.
- Likewise others, people I am close to, will have all kinds of horrible struggles which I will not be party to, so fuck it, I won’t judge them or get pissed if they let me down. Jesus I am not fucking perfect so why expect this of others.
Phew this is good stuff.
Now you will note that I have not mentioned family members or close friends, because these are individuals, every one of them, who I will always give a fuck about. I would also include environmental issues and animal welfare in that list
Ultimately my aim is to get my fucks down to 1 a day, but initially I will cut the number to five (and I can’t carry them over) and have to learn to be more discerning. Therefore to throw away 2 when I learned that my ‘surprise’ early morning jaunt to Gatwick was about to go tits up, was well over the top. Especially as my trip home around half of the M25 would pretty much guarantee at least 2 fucks; and that I promise is VERY conservative.
To add to family and friends I have started to compile a list of possible ‘fucks’ that I will allow myself. This is a working list but it will give you an idea should you decide to follow suit.
- Imbedding a claw hammer in my forehead. My dad did it once and had it not knocked him out I think a fuck would have been justified.
- Breaking my little toe or any other bone, when rushing to pick up a PPI fucking phone call. Mrs C did that.
- Smashing my thumb twice with a hammer while trying to nail down a corrugated roof. Needless to say I used up a whole week’s worth of fucks on that occasion.
- Catching the end of my ‘old man’ in my trouser zip. That time a month worth of fucks were rapidly expressed.
- Watching a heron successfully navigate my elaborate heron proof defences which are so elaborate that I can’t get within 10 yards of my fortified pond; and piercing one of my prize fish. FUCK!!! Sorry but that bird is really pissing me off BIG time!!
So that is where I am at present…but I still keep adding to both lists
Now I have to tell you I thought long and hard about whether I should write a piece that contains so many fucks, but reasoned, as I explained earlier, I am relatively thick and have a limited vocabulary and as yet have found no better way to express myself when driving a Paslode Nail into my finger (twice…and fuck does in hurt)… and before you say it, neither OUCH or GOLLY GOSH have the same gravity!!
So after much contemplation, and another G&T, I thought…well…fuck it. With children killing themselves at an alarming rate I can hardly worry that someone might get offended by a word that for many is their sub-conscious vocal way of telling themselves and others, “I AM SERIOUSLY STRESSED!!”
If you enjoy reading about this stuff I would highly recommend “The subtle art of not giving a fuck”…it is serious worth reading as too is my book “CRAP THANKS how’s your life been?” (Both available at Amazon)
Please share your list…if you decide to compile one…